Birthday Bark

Sunday was my birthday. I couldn't blog until today because I was recovering from a severe hangover and post-party syndrome. I'm still waking up disoriented and drooling. Man! Anyhoo, Sunday my friend Zoe and her mommy came over to share in the celebration. I was glad to see that I was not the only one who didn't like to walk in the grass. The two of us basically spent the whole time walking around the porch and occasionally on the sidewalk while avoiding the grass. If we did venture into the grass, we would gingerly pick up our paws and tiptoe through it. Even though Daddy cut it later that day and it was sunny, I still peed right at the edge of the sidewalk. Despite the grass, I had a great birthday. The humans got me a yummy bone-shaped peanut butter cake and even got Zoe her own pupcake. So what if I was eating it so fast, I'd choke on it, spit it back up, and chew it again? When you come from the pound and foster homes like I did, you either wolfed down what scraps you got or someone else would take it from you and eat it. I guess that's why I always eat so fast, even though I'm the only animal at home nowadays. I know they saved some of the cake so I hope I get more later. Zoe got me a new toy since I've eviscerated my warthog. It's a new furry hedgehog! This one doesn't squeak like the warthog, it grunts. I love it! My grandma got me a gift certificate to Three Dog Bakery so you know what that means: more peanut butter treats! That is, if the humans let me have some. I'm still on that diet.

It's been raining all day today and I just hate that. That means I don't go out much because I hate getting wet. Today, Mommy went out with me and followed me around holding an umbrella above me so I wouldn't get wet. I'm kind of used to that, being a pasha and all, but it still was a nice surprise.

Well, I'm really tired. I think I need to take a nap. After that, I'll think about burning off all that birthday cake. Yeah right!

Only 3 More Shopping Days Left

Hear Ye, Hear Ye! My birthday is in three days. Prepare all your gifts for me! Actually, I don't really know when I was born since I have been in so many foster homes and pounds but this Sunday will be my one year anniversary with the humans. They decided to make that day my birthday. I overheard them talking about a peanut butter cake or something from Three Dog so we'll see what happens. That would be too good to be true. A whole pile of peanut butter goodness, all for me. I mean, I can understand why they would want to set aside a day specifically to worship me, since I am the Pasha and all, but to throw food into the mix is a dream come true. They are going to invite my new friend Zoe (a pretty and friendly black lab) but I hope they don't expect me to share my cake with her! I'm hospitable and all, but it's my birthday and my cake. Maybe I'll let her have one of my treats and a free sniff of my butt. If I'm feeling generous, that is.

I was a good hunter today. I stalked and killed not one but two flies in the house. They always seem to end up in the window so I just climb onto the top of the couch and toy with them until they get too tired to resist anymore and have to rest on the windowsill. That's when I pounce and kill them and eat them. I get a treat from Mommy and Daddy when I kill a fly. I can sit there for hours and stalk them if that's what it takes to wear them down.

It has finally cooled down which means that I get to go on walks again instead of just hanging out in the side yard. During our walk today, I met another new neighbor who of course fell in love with me immediately. She pet me for a long time. I just love being a pasha and all the attention I get because of it. Sometimes it's tough dodging admirers when I want to get some rest but when you're the shizzle like I am, you have to please your fans.

Coming Down

Man, did I have a great weekend. Mommy's parents and neice were here which means I got extra attention! All weekend, if the little girl wasn't playing with me, Grandma or Grandpa were petting me. They even sneaked me some human food but I don't think Mommy saw them. They also took me out for walks which the humans haven't done recently (must be the hot weather). It was nice to go beyond our side yard and sniff new things. Now they're gone and I miss them. Seems so quiet without them. On the other hand, it gives me a chance to recover. Boy, am I tired! One can only play tug-of-war with a stuffed warthog toy for so long before one needs to just chill.

Rainy Day

It's been raining for two days and I can't stand it. You see, a pasha doesn't like to get his toes wet and that goes double for me. I hate going out when it's raining and I usually stand on the porch where it's dry for a long while and contemplate if I really have to go that bad. If I just can't hold it, I'll go if I must but I hate feeling the raindrops hit my back and don't even get me started on touching the wet, matted grass with my paws. Yick! Today I decided I wouldn't even waste my time and pooped right on the patio without even going down into the grass. Then, later, it was still raining but I had to pee. So I figured I'd just go out the door a few steps and pee on the welcome mat but after a few drops my mommy yelled at me so I had to go down into the yard. Rats. I hate the rain. Guess I'll just have to hang out inside and lick my butt.

Sorry

Hi Mommy. I know I've been calling you the female human up until now but I want you to know that I really do think of you as my mom even though we both know I wear the pants in this family. And I want you to know that I'm really sorry that I pooped in front of the door to the patio this morning while you and Daddy were out. I know I should have gone when you took me out before you left but I swear, I didn't have to go right then! And while you were both gone, I really had to go but I couldn't hold it any longer and so I pooped just a little bit. But I did it right in front of the door to the yard and I promise I was unhappy the whole time I did it and I'm really sorry and please don't be mad anymore. You saw that when you came home I was on the couch all cowering and quivering because I knew you'd be upset. I didn't do it on purpose. I think it's the new weight loss food. The vet said it might make me go poopy more and I think it's happening (which, by the way, do you have me on some sort of designer doggie laxative to drop weight? For Christ's sake, this ain't Hollywood! Sorry, didn't mean that, please don't be mad). So Mommy, please give me another chance and you'll see that I'll make you the happiest human in the world. Please don't get rid of me like my other owner did. I love you.

What I Did This Summer

I had the best time this weekend! The humans took me on a trip to the parents' house. I got to run around in the yard and in the park behind the house where rabbits live. I didn't see any but I could sure smell them and followed many scents and trails happily. At home, in the city, I don't get to have such experiences. On Saturday, the humans left me to go to Chicago but I got to stay with my grandma and grandpa. I like to see them because that gives me four more hands to pet me all day long. They left me for a while and when they came home, I had pushed two of the chairs from the dining table all the way up against the wall and they still can't figure out how I did it. You should never wonder how a pasha can do such things, but just accept them as I am powerful and clever. They left me a second time and this time when they came home, I was curled up asleep in the middle of the kitchen table. When they saw me, I looked up briefly with a sleepy face but quickly returned to slumber. They couldn't coax me down so they had to pick me up. I don't know why they thought that I would just jump down for them, like some common peasant when I am the pasha. Jeez.

The grandma (who is Vietnamese) made some yummy egg rolls and fried rice for dinner and she even cut one up for me and let me have it. The humans usually don't let me have people food but they were saying something about roots and culture and tradition or something and made an exception. Whatever. I was too busy eating to pay attention. Alas, after about 10 seconds it was gone and there was no more.

Two little girls came to the house (I think they are the female human's neices) and played with me all day long. They drew pictures of me with sidewalk chalk and wrote my name in big letters. Pretty standard pasha-idolizing stuff. Boy, was I tired after this weekend. On the two hour car ride home, I slept the whole way in the back seat and didn't even make a noise. That is, until I passed a couple of horses and carriages and began to bark vigorously at them while driving by. Now that's the way to spend a weekend.

So what if I lick my butt, you got a problem wit dat?

Well, here I am, enjoying one of my favorite pasttimes. I can chew on that sucker for hours! I love chewing on my foot. My owners think it must have peanut butter or something in it for me to want to chew on it for a prolonged period of time. I like to really get into it and snake my tongue in between the toes and then take the whole thing in my mouth and gnaw on it. I bet you're jealous just thinking about it. Well, too bad! You can't have any of my peanut butter foot. Get your own.

Other things that I like:

• Rolling around on my back on the carpet
• Playing with my squeaky toys. Sometimes I fake them out and leave them alone for a few minutes then run and pounce on them when they least expect it
• Lying on top of the couch (see previous entries)
• Drinking water very sloppily, splashing it everywhere around my water bowl so that the humans have given up trying to keep the placemat and surrounding floor dry
• Sleeping. Like I really have anything else to do around the house. For Christs sake, they're gone all day at work and I'm in my crate
• Waiting on the landing at the bottom of the stairs when the male human comes home so I can be pet immediately after he walks in the door
• Stretching. A lot.
• Chasing any and all bugs that I see on the floor, biting them and spitting them out repeatedly until they die, then eating them
• Going for walks so I can sniff all kinds of new and unusual stuff
• Being pet by anyone and if you stop, I'll nudge your hand so you keep going. Either that or just get up on the couch next to you and lean heavily against your arm until you pet me
• Barking at other dogs that walk by my fence. Otherwise, I don't bark or howl, even when the doorbell rings

Those are the main likes. If any of you are interested, my birthday is coming up soon so I'll make sure to compile a gift list. No gift is too small or too yummy!