Gag Me

I don't like this new and "improved" world I'm living in. The 'rents took me on a walk this week with the short leash attached to my collar instead of a harness. They wouldn't let me run ahead to sniff and explore like I usually do. Which means that everytime I tried to get ahead, I'd practically choke myself to death until I finally gave up and slowed down. You'd think that I would catch on after a while, but what can I say? I'm a beagle. We don't train well. By the end of the walk, I had pretty much exhausted myself (probably from lack of oxygen) and would walk by their side. Today Mommy took me on another walk while Daddy mowed the lawn. She let me wear the harness but still kept me on a short leash. But at least I didn't choke myself at every turn this time. I even got some good sniffing in so I really enjoyed the walk. Which is the least they can do since they've been running around all weekend and I've been left at home all by my lonesome to fend for myself. There's only so much couch-surfing you can do before you slowly go insane.

You don't own me, Cesar Millan!

Why do people have to think and reason? Why can't they just enjoy today for what it is and be grateful for what they have (although you can never have enough peanut butter or food in general)? So anyway, Mommy and Daddy have been watching the Dog Whisperer and now, all of a sudden, they think they're a couple of Cesar Millan - trained experts. They bought his book yesterday and apparently they haven't been treating me correctly and need to change their ways. For example, I'm supposed to totally calm down and sit before they'll give me my food. Come on, people! I'm a frickin' dog! When I see that I may actually be getting some food, I go crazy. Because it doesn't happen all that often, only twice a day and it takes me maybe 30 seconds to devour it. So can I help it if I get a little excited and bark and run in circles until they put the bowl on the ground? Now I'm supposed to sit pretty and just be patient until my owner deems me worthy of eating? Damn you, Dog Whisperer! And then they say that when they get my harness out to walk me, they won't put it on me until I stop jumping and am completely calm and submissive. I can't see that happening. It usually goes like this: Mommy goes toward drawer that has the leash stuff. I get excited and jumpity. She attempts putting the harness on me while I quiver in anticipation. Usually during this process, I lay on my back with paws in the air and basically make it impossible to fasten the harness. Mommy yells at me, I roll over for a sec, then onto my back again because I'm just so excited that the bums are finally taking me on a walk. Repeat this process a couple times until harness finally fastened. They put the leash on and I run ahead of them to the front door, jumping up and down until they open it and I run out onto the sidewalk. They usually follow behind while I sniff everything in sight and make them stop several times. Now tell me, is there really anything wrong with this picture? Cesar seems to think so. So now, I have to be submissive and wait to get my harness on and then Mommy and Daddy are supposed to walk ahead of me - ahead of me! - to the door and keep me by their side or behind them during the entire walk. And we only get to stop and sniff when they say it's appropriate. I really can't see how this is good for me. Something about appropriate pack behavior or some mumbo-jumbo like that. But I guess I shouldn't be too disappointed. He also says they need to walk me every day. Stick that in your pipe and smoke it, humans!